All I have to write about tonight is the past. And how desperately I miss it. I know it is the past, and that I am living in the present, but....
Five years ago today I lost the love of my life. I met him when I was only seventeen years old. I thought we would be together forever. We weren't. We broke up. Many times. Sometimes it was my fault; sometimes it was his. But I always held on. And so did he. One day we were going to find our way back to each other. One day we almost did. We had decided: enough already....we'd grown up. Let's do it...and let's do it right this time.
A month later he died. What a cruel joke fate played on me. I truly thought we had finally gotten ourselves together. ..and then he was ripped from my life faster than I ever could have imagined possible.
I'll never forget that day. The pain I felt when I got that phone call was excruciating. I forgot how to use the phone. I forgot how to talk. All I could do was scream. The next few days were a blur. I remember my sister taking me shopping for a dress for the funeral. I remember driving to a local restaurant to see one of his ex girlfriends. I remember countless hours in bed, wishing and begging and praying that it wasn't true. But it was.
Well, here I am five years later and I can still feel that pain...almost as raw as it was then. Just two nights I ago I dreamt that it was all a big mistake and he was really alive. Waking up from those dreams really sucks!
I am so thankful tonight for one of his closest and dearest friends who wrote the most beautiful words to me earlier today. As the years go by, I begin to wonder; begin to doubt his love for me. What if it wasn't real? He is no longer here to tell me. I am only human...I need to hear it. We all need that validation....to hear it, to feel it, to live it, to know it. But I can't know it anymore. Thank God for her...his friend....his confidant. She knew everything about him...and I'm sure much about me that I'd rather her not, but she knew what was deepest in his heart. And she so selflessly told me. On this day, when she too is feeling the searing pain of his loss, she took the time to open her heart full of his secrets, to remind me how much he truly and completely loved me.
Because of this loss I often long for the past when I should be looking forward. I can't help it. I was so happy then. I was in love. And now? Well, I'm happy. But that's it. I'm not in love. I'm lonely. So very lonely. And I'm hoping that my sweetheart, who I know is watching over me, will one day, and one day soon, help me to move on. But for now, for tonight at least, I am loving only him.
Rest in peace, my love.
Five years ago today I lost the love of my life. I met him when I was only seventeen years old. I thought we would be together forever. We weren't. We broke up. Many times. Sometimes it was my fault; sometimes it was his. But I always held on. And so did he. One day we were going to find our way back to each other. One day we almost did. We had decided: enough already....we'd grown up. Let's do it...and let's do it right this time.
A month later he died. What a cruel joke fate played on me. I truly thought we had finally gotten ourselves together. ..and then he was ripped from my life faster than I ever could have imagined possible.
I'll never forget that day. The pain I felt when I got that phone call was excruciating. I forgot how to use the phone. I forgot how to talk. All I could do was scream. The next few days were a blur. I remember my sister taking me shopping for a dress for the funeral. I remember driving to a local restaurant to see one of his ex girlfriends. I remember countless hours in bed, wishing and begging and praying that it wasn't true. But it was.
Well, here I am five years later and I can still feel that pain...almost as raw as it was then. Just two nights I ago I dreamt that it was all a big mistake and he was really alive. Waking up from those dreams really sucks!
I am so thankful tonight for one of his closest and dearest friends who wrote the most beautiful words to me earlier today. As the years go by, I begin to wonder; begin to doubt his love for me. What if it wasn't real? He is no longer here to tell me. I am only human...I need to hear it. We all need that validation....to hear it, to feel it, to live it, to know it. But I can't know it anymore. Thank God for her...his friend....his confidant. She knew everything about him...and I'm sure much about me that I'd rather her not, but she knew what was deepest in his heart. And she so selflessly told me. On this day, when she too is feeling the searing pain of his loss, she took the time to open her heart full of his secrets, to remind me how much he truly and completely loved me.
Because of this loss I often long for the past when I should be looking forward. I can't help it. I was so happy then. I was in love. And now? Well, I'm happy. But that's it. I'm not in love. I'm lonely. So very lonely. And I'm hoping that my sweetheart, who I know is watching over me, will one day, and one day soon, help me to move on. But for now, for tonight at least, I am loving only him.
Rest in peace, my love.
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